Many of these are from the younger years. I guess that’s when I had the greatest sense of humor!
Table of Contents
After weeks and weeks of waiting,
The day’s arrived at last!
So hurry up and clean your room
And wash the windows, fast!
Make sure you clean the birdcage
And scrub the kitchen floor,
Vacuum all the rooms in the house
And dust that set of drawers!
They left home early this morning,
And the roads were perfectly clear;
They barely made any stops and so
Any minute they’ll be here!
What are you doing just standing around?
No wonder Mom’s so stressed!
Our relatives are coming,
And the house is a huge mess!
Here comes the car up in the drive;
I can hear the voices shout,
“Here we are!” “We’re here, oh yes!”
“Come on and show us about!”
With joy in their eyes and joy in ours,
We hug and laugh and play
And try to squeeze as much excitement
As possible out of the day!
Not a minute to be wasted,
And so many things to do!
Games to play and fun to be had
Mischief to be gotten into!
We play a game of Frisbee
In the next-door neighbor’s lawn,
Until the disc gets stuck in his tree
And we think that it is gone.
We try real hard to get it but
The neighbor sees us then;
He rolls his eyes and shakes his head
And groans, “Not those kids again!”
Next we play a massive game
Of the classic hide and go seek.
I tiptoe soundlessly down the hall;
The floorboards don’t even creak!
I grin ’cause I know the perfect spot;
It’s in the bathtub upstairs.
But I pull back the curtain and gasp in surprise—
There’re already five kids in there!
Before we know it the evening’s come,
And it’s time to eat dinner outside;
We gobble grilled chicken and sweet watermelon,
Then hop on our bikes for a ride.
We circle around the neighborhood
And race in the sun’s last light,
Only willing to go indoors
When the mosquitoes begin to bite.
Now it’s time to get ready for bed,
But we’re not tired at all,
So we jump on the bed and giggle and scream
And we simply have a ball!
Till suddenly we hear a shout;
It comes from the room next door;
It’s grandpa’s voice, yelling,
“Go to sleep! I can’t take it anymore!”
We quiet down, but a whisper’s soon heard:
“Quick! Grab your flashlight!”
Then under the blankets we set up our game
And stay up playing cards all night.
This is how we spend our days,
Wringing out every drop of fun,
But all too soon it’s time to leave;
Their stay with us is done.
They pack their bags and pack their car,
Pack some snacks for the road,
Then come tearful hugs and kisses and goodbyes,
And then… off they go.
They’ve taken with them memories
Of summer games and pillow fights;
They’ve taken late-night tales and rotten jokes
And stargazing when the moon is bright.
They’ve taken bike rides and catching frogs,
Barbecues and the grown-ups’ bustle and fuss.
But as much as they’re taking away with them,
It seems there’s always enough left for us.
August 7, 2015
*Inspired by “The Relatives Came” by Cynthia Rylant and “Cousins” by Tom Chapin
Rushing around in such a hurry
Panting, screaming, filled with worry
I’m late, so late; I can’t believe it!
I could never have perceived it!
Grab some toast and something to drink
Hurry up! There’s no time to think
Careful; don’t forget to dress!
Can’t walk out looking like a mess!
Ah! Forgot to get my bag!
There’s no time; please don’t lag
I’m going to miss the flight for sure
Hurry! Everything’s a blur
Last night I thought I was so great
Planned everything out by half past eight
Thought I had time to watch a show
Thought I knew everything, and so
Turned all the clocks an hour back
Was ready to go, and really on track
“Ha! I didn’t forget it this year
Told you I would remember it, dear.”
And then, of course, when morning dawned
I sat up in bed, stretched and yawned
Then realized it with a sudden start
As a stab of dismay shot through my heart
Leaped out of bed with a growing panic
My insides shaking and my expression manic
And now, my gosh; I’m just so late!
It’s crazy the difference one hour can make.
Running, rushing, out the door
Stumble, trip, sprawl on the floor
Get back up, straighten my tie
Don’t have time to say goodbye.
Dashing, sprinting, across the yard
I wonder if it was really so hard
For someone to have told me, friend
That daylight savings is next weekend.
November 6, 2010
The King of Hearts stood in his garden one day,
Singing a happy song,
When suddenly, as he stood there,
The Jack of Diamonds came along.
He said, “Hello! How do you do?”
And the happy King replied,
“I’m doing fine; I’m as pleased as can be;
Do join me for tea inside.”
But before they could go, who should arrive?
The Queen of Hearts, with a heavy knife.
She cried, “Oh no! My darling husband,
I shall save your life!”
She bravely chopped off the Jack’s head,
And stood there with a smile so wide,
But the poor king dropped to the ground,
And wept so hard he died.
The Queen cried, “My husband! My darling dear!
I meant to save you, but instead
I killed you, my sweetheart; now I cannot live!”
So the Queen chopped off her head.
Now the Queen of Diamonds did draw near,
And saw the three bodies that were dead.
She killed herself in such an awful way,
It is better left unsaid.
Then along came the King of Diamonds;
He was taking a casual walk.
He took one look at the grisly scene,
And simply died of shock.
Finally came the Jack of Hearts;
How did he meet his ghastly fate?
After seeing the bodies all bloodied with death,
He impaled himself on the gate.
Now, the Queens and Kings and Jacks
Wearing the suits of Clubs and Spades
Arrived upon this scene of death,
And grew terribly afraid.
They talked among themselves awhile,
And wondered what to do.
They grew so indecisive that
They figured they should kill themselves too.
So you see, when you accused me of ruining your cards
And ripping the whole deck apart,
You were totally wrong; because, my friend,
They stabbed at their own hearts.
May 25, 2011
*This one was a lot of fun to write.
Hooray, I’m so excited!
My birthday’s almost here!
Do you mind if I enlighten you
With what I want this year?
A house made from chocolate,
Strap-on wings so I can fly.
Sixty-eight new dresses,
All the ice cream you can buy.
I want you to install a pool in our yard;
A few more TVs would be handy.
I would also like seven cell phones,
And let’s not forget the candy:
Snickers and Twix
Smarties, Sweet Tarts
Peppermint, Milky Way
And more things to munch!
I would also like a limousine
With soft and shiny leather seats.
And my own personal chauffeur
To drive me along the streets.
The last thing I need from you:
Make me queen of the world!
With royal gowns and finery,
Diamonds, rubies, and pearls!
Yes, that is all I ask of you;
It’s all I want for my special day.
I know it’s really not much at all,
So I’m expecting no delay.
October 1, 2008
Poem of a Pirate
Through vast villages we plunder
Tearing everything asunder
Stealing any gold we find
But we pirates are one of a kind
The treasure we steal we do not keep
But trade it for frogs that do not leap.
Why we do this I do not know
Captain gives the orders and we follow
But I do know one thing for sure
Because all of the crew does infer
That one day the captain will
Do something with the frogs and still
Not harm them for we do believe
That he is willing to achieve
The world record for the most frogs up his sleeve.
Physics is an awful beast
That waits, hungry, in the night
To gobble up children with its sharp teeth
Until they’re out of sight.
Physics is a whirlwind
That confuses kids all day
With labs, tests, and formulas
That exist only to kill GPAs.
Physics is a silver knife
That uses force and energy
To stab your grade and shred your hopes
And scar you for eternity.
Yes, physics is a wild storm,
A raging fire, an evil curse.
But though it’s awful, it must be said—
That chemistry is worse.
February 7, 2012
The Point of No Return
Panting heavily, my tongue hanging out—
“This is an emergency!” I practically shout.
“Call 911! This isn’t a joke!”
I scream so loud I nearly choke.
My eyes are wide; I’m full of fear.
“Please, somebody help! Can anyone hear?”
In a wild panic I rush down the stairs.
“I’m not lying!” I shriek. “I promise; I swear!”
At last my mom and dad arrive.
They seem thankful to see me alive.
My mom looks scared, and she says with unease
“What’s the matter, honey? Tell us, please!”
My dad, meanwhile, reaches for his phone.
“Are you in pain?” he asks, as I let loose a low moan.
I take a deep breath, and casually say
“I just don’t have any socks to wear today.”
July 8, 2009
I was heading towards the bus stop;
I had my homework in my bag,
When suddenly it was snatched from me
By a creepy looking hag.
She looked at me and grinned
So very evilly,
Then went and checked her nail polish
To make sure it was still shiny.
I took that as my chance,
And quickly ran away.
But alas! I left my homework behind,
And that’s why it’s not here today!
September 10, 2006
I was walking through my garden,
When I noticed something weird.
Trying to hide behind a tree
Was a little man with a beard.
When he realized I had seen him,
He scurried away in fright.
But I didn’t want him to go so soon,
So I cried, “Come back! It’s all right!”
I soon found out he was a gnome,
And he could grant me three wishes at most.
What luck that he should be magic!
But then he began to boast:
“Oh, I can do magic such as you’ve never dreamed of;
I can change fish into stars.
I can turn you into an alien,
Even one that comes from Mars.
“I can make you a house of feathers,
One that will not collapse.
I can make the moon fall down,
Even the sun, perhaps.
“I could make an apple talk;
I could make you fly.
I could turn you into a cloud
That whistled as it passed by.
“I could make the trees sing a song;
I could make the wind laugh.
Soon you would be hearing
The complaints of a purple giraffe.
“I will make a monster appear,
With twenty-five eyes and an eerie grin.
One that will never fail to scare
Any soul out of his skin.
“I will get you all the ice cream you want;
I will get you your own computer.
I will install fifty phones in your room,
And I’ll get rid of your private tutor.”
On and on that silly gnome went,
About cars going swimming and fish wearing clothes.
About shrieking bananas and glib grapefruits,
About a papaya being strangled by a hose.
Until I couldn’t stand it any longer;
I was so bored it made me yawn.
So I stared at the gnome straight in the eye,
And said, “I wish for you to be gone!”
April 7, 2008
Sometimes I get this feeling, where I’m feeling really down.
I feel so dreary and depressed; I want to sink into the ground!
I know that’s not exactly dignified, but believe me, I have a tale to tell.
Once, that really happened! I’m not joking; just listen for a spell.
I had just come home from school one day; I had WAY too much homework to do.
And I hate to say it, but I’m a procrastinator, so I didn’t start, and the hours flew.
Soon it was seven o’ clock, and after what felt like a minute it was eight.
I began to dread school the next day, and I vowed never to procrastinate.
But then, oh my, the feeling came! It was there, so evil, so cruel!
It made me miserable, and so horribly dull! I wished I could escape school!
I wanted to sink into the ground at that moment, and suddenly I felt the earth shake.
At first it was a little tremor, but then it began to tremble and quake.
Before I knew it, the walls were brown; I felt like I was swallowing sand.
You cannot imagine how scared I was, especially when the walls began to expand.
I put my arms over my head, and closed my eyes so tight;
When finally all the shaking had stopped, I opened them– and what a sight!
I was in an underground city; there were people there, and kids like me.
Whoa, I thought, completely amazed. What a weird place to be!
“What in the world–” I began. Then a lady began to speak:
“This is the place where people who get a dull feeling meet.
“The people you see don’t do their homework;
They’ve procrastinated all through the year.
“They’ve wished to escape from their problems,
So their wish has been granted, and they’ve been brought here.
“Now this is their home; it’s where they live. They’re perfectly happy, you see.
Would you like to join them and live underground? From homework you will be free.”
“Um, no, it’s all right,” I said, still shocked. “I’d rather go home, actually.”
“But you have no choice now,” she replied. “You will live here for eternity.”
And that’s when I woke up and realized it was simply a nauseous nightmare.
But alas, the dream was not meaningless! It did more than just give me a scare!
Now I’ve learned my lesson; I’ll wait until the last minute no more.
For anything, for that matter! I will always start from before.
From fear of actually sinking into the ground, and ending up somewhere
Like the Underground City of Procrastination, and being forced to stay there.
*Ha! I wish I could say I don’t procrastinate anymore. I won a contest with this poem when I was in middle school.
Terribly tired, exhausted, and sore,
You trudge to your room and open the door,
Only to be graciously greeted by
An atrocious mess at least eight inches high.
Pencils, papers, books and more
Scattered carelessly across the floor.
The odor of your stinky socks,
Brand new clothes never worn in a box.
You groan hopelessly as you collapse on the bed,
Lying there as if you were dead.
You think of the hours of homework that lie before you;
Tomorrow is when everything is due.
You’re battered; you’re broken;
A dilapidated old shack
With nothing left to live for;
Your future is black.
Then just as you’re about to close your eyes,
Squeeze them shut and hope you die,
A picture forms within your mind,
A picture of a special kind.
A banana flying through the air,
Screaming, “Chickens everywhere!”
The socks that are lying on the floor
Are engaged in some kind of smelly war.
Your binders, books, your things for school
Are diving off the edge of a pool.
And then you can’t help it; you start to grin,
And a smile appears where a frown had been.
You are a sun; you’re feeling so bright;
Your face is lit up with delight.
And then you’re laughing so hard that you know
You’re no longer stressed; your face is aglow.
And you’re thinking something so bizarre:
“Laughter’s the best medicine by far.”
My Pet Hippo
“Sally Elizabeth Mac!
Will you please get out of the shower?
Do you know how long you’ve been in there?
I’d say about half an hour!”
“Okay, Mom, I’m getting out
Right now,” I call, then sneeze.
And suddenly from downstairs
Mom speaks again, displeased.
“Sally Elizabeth Mac!
Get out of there at once!
Don’t sit in the shower
Like a hippo-sized dunce!”
I gasp in surprise.
How could she ever know?
That it is my pet hippo
Who makes the water go!
He’s the one who uses it—
Him, not me.
I’m serious, the size he is,
He could drain a sea!
See, I do have a pet hippo,
But not your regular hippo size.
He’s ten times larger,
But he truly is a prize.
I love him more than anything,
But I’ve got to hide him from Mother.
You may think that’s impossible,
But I’ve a plan that beats every other.
See, every day I rub on him
A very special potion.
It makes him invisible for a day,
Although it’s really more of a lotion.
It can never ever run out;
“But how long does it take?” you may ask.
Well, it takes about an hour to rub it all on him;
It’s a difficult kind of task.
As for all the noise he makes,
I have to keep him quiet.
And I can’t let him get too fat,
So I keep him on a diet.
I—“SALLY, GET OUT OF THERE!”
I hear my mother shout.
I gulp as my hippo splashes around.
“I need another hour!” I call out.
July 3, 2008
Tommy T. Great
Tommy Totally Great,
He’s totally uncool.
His homework is never in on time,
And he’s always late for school.
He likes slime and mucky things,
Which I don’t understand.
He’s also really dirty,
And acts annoyingly grand.
He’s mean and thinks it’s funny
To push people down in the hall.
He never shares with anyone;
He’s definitely the worst of all!
Here’s something that I don’t get,
‘Cause for a guy whom everyone hates
Why’s he the exact opposite of his name,
Tommy Totally Great?
What Should I Write?
I don’t know how to start this poem;
I really have no clue
Of what to write so help me now
And tell me what to do.
I guess I could write about
How I was attacked the other day
By aliens wearing pink pajamas
And carrying teacups on a tray.
Or how about when I was stuck
In a chocolate factory for a night?
By morning the chocolate was all gone
And my belly sure was a sight!
Last evening I rode a butterfly
Out the window and through the door.
And when the poor insect wanted to rest,
I yelled, “More, more, more!”
So I suppose my mind isn’t completely blank;
There are a few ideas in mind.
I just had to dig into the roots of my brain
And see what I could find.
This is a story about a girl
Who didn’t know what to do.
So she sat and sulked all day long;
Hence, her name was Sulky Sue.
She always moped and was unhappy;
She hadn’t smiled in the last five years!
Instead of laughing at a joke,
She’d just burst into tears.
She was the despair of her mother,
Her father and brother, too.
So they decided to send her to a doctor;
It was the only thing they could do.
But the doctor couldn’t handle her
No matter what he did.
So he gave Sue back to her mother and said,
“Sorry, I can’t help your kid.”
Now they were getting anxious,
And Sue was getting worse.
She now not only sulked,
She ranted and raved and cursed.
She refused to smile or laugh,
And sat in a corner all day,
Sulking twenty-four seven,
Always in dismay.
They told her jokes and tickled her,
Made funny faces and acted like clowns.
But Sulky Sue never brightened up;
She was always in the downs.
And so it caught on to the rest of the family,
And they never smiled again.
They remained like this for three more years,
Which was when Sue turned eleven.
And then a stranger came along for tea,
And asked, “Why so sad?”
Sulky Sue’s family didn’t reply,
So he did something to make them glad.
He pulled off every frown
And stuck a smile in its place.
And soon everyone was happy again;
Even Sue had a smile on her face.
And they all vowed never to sulk again,
And keep that vow they did.
Because from then on in their house,
Sulking was forbid.
And they all lived happily ever after,
Including Sulky Sue,
Whose name’s been changed to Smiley Sue-
What a pleasant thing to do!
So the moral of this poem is
Always wear a smile!
Because, as you just witnessed,
It’s certainly worthwhile!
August 1, 2007
It was a dark night; the shutters were drawn,
But a great many things happened before dawn.
I was just crawling into my bed,
Nestled in the blankets, content, and well-fed.
Yawning and rubbing my drowsy eyes,
I nearly entered a dreamland but sat up in surprise.
Standing in the corner of my ordinary room
Was a jolly old elf dressed in vivid costume.
He held up a phone and said, “I hope you won’t complain
If I host a party here and my guests entertain.”
I said nothing; I just simply sat there
As the elf called his friends and told them what to wear.
While we waited patiently for the guests to arrive
The elf explained to me that there were five.
Finally some folks began to appear:
A goblin, an elephant, and a sweet little deer.
“We’re only missing Ree-ree and Jo,”
The deer said as she entered through my window.
And who or what were Ree-ree and Jo?
A fluffy bunny and a pink flamingo.
All night long these partiers pranced
And sang and laughed and smiled and danced.
I couldn’t help it; I had to join the festivity!
It was so much fun with their creativity!
In our pajamas, with socks on our heads
We pretended we were famous and jumped on the bed.
The elephant, whose name, by the way, was Hugh
Perfectly imitated a kangaroo.
Ree-ree the flamingo hid my underwear;
It took an hour to find it glued to a stair.
As for the goblin, oh, he was so clever!
I wouldn’t have minded if he’d stayed forever!
After walking about on his hands for a while,
He cast a spell and turned Hugh into a crocodile!
But Dinah the deer was the sweetest of all;
She did back flips and somersaults and tumbled down the hall.
And of course I could never forget dear little Jo,
The small fluffy bunny who loved cookie dough.
Together we laughed, jumped and smiled.
All night long we were absolutely wild!
It was so much fun; I knew I’d never forget
My charming new friends that I had just met.
But right before dawn they said good-bye
And took off soaring into the night sky.
I mumbled, “I didn’t know you could fly,”
And I heard a distant voice reply:
“We can do more than most people think.”
Was it just me, or did I see Hugh wink?
Tired from the night’s events,
I collapsed in my bed, my energy spent.
A circus had gone on in my room that night,
But why? Perhaps it was to ignite
The small spark of creativity that lives inside me
That never gets a chance to show what it can be.
Whatever that party was about, whatever it was for-
I had certainly not experienced anything like it before.
And now I’m starting to grin, for I feel, without a doubt
It was definitely worth writing a poem about.
June 15, 2009
Power of the Beluga
An ocean upon which none would sail
Awaits the amazing beluga whale.
With a great big splash from a giant leap,
The beluga smoothly dives in deep.
A delightful smile lights up his face,
But a heroic expression soon takes its place.
The beluga has a job to do,
And he will only rest when he is through.
With a daring heart and a motive so bold,
The beluga is an amazing sight to behold.
He is superior above all,
Yet he does not gloat at those who are small.
On one spectacular summer day,
Two little girls were happily at play,
When suddenly a horrifying beast appeared
With blood on its face and a rage to be feared.
The children screamed in untainted terror,
But alas! This proved to be an error.
The monster screeched and began to laugh;
It said, “Children, I will rip you in half!”
Just when all hope had disappeared,
And the children’s deaths were very near,
Who should suddenly choose to come?
The beluga whale, who would never succumb.
He had been flying through the sky
And missed nothing with his sharp eyes.
He swooped down boldly at an amazing rate
To save the children from their ghastly fate.
At that point a battle ensued;
The monster was tough, but the beluga was true.
He fought hard and his motive was gallant,
Portraying impossibly spectacular talent.
When at last the beast lay slain on the ground,
The beluga turned to look all around.
The children were staring at him in awe,
For the whale had not a single flaw.
He was ever so handsome and terribly wise,
With a charming smile and soft gentle eyes.
His intentions so pure and his heart so great;
He was a hero impossible to envy or hate.
I urge you now, don’t ever forget;
Whenever you are unhappy or upset
Simply remember the beluga whale,
And he will help you to prevail.
January 21, 2010
*I find this poem hilarious now because I was obsessed with beluga whales at the time I wrote it.
The Enchanted Flower
I was walking through the woods one day,
When I saw a flower.
Though I did not know it,
It held extremely strong power.
It was so very beautiful,
My breath caught in my throat.
And then I noticed next to it,
A fine handwritten note.
“The Enchanted Flower of the Magical Land
Is a very special plant.
Not just one or two wishes,
But three is what it will grant.”
This is what the note said,
And I grinned gleefully.
How lucky that this should happen
To somebody like ME!
I smiled to myself a lot
As I picked that flower.
Here was the perfect chance
To have tremendous power.
First I wished that I had
A rich and creamy chocolate house.
After that I wished for
A beautifully embroidered blouse.
But what about the third wish?
There was nothing on my mind.
So instead I just thought about
My very lucky find.
And then suddenly I had it!
It came clear as a bell.
I’d wish for unlimited wishes!
That would suit me well!
So for weeks I wished for many a thing,
Without even lifting my thumb.
Until one day I realized
How greedy I’d become.
I looked around at my mansion,
Which was as tall as a tower.
I looked at everything I’d wished for
And wished I’d never found the flower.
So here I am walking through the woods–
Wait! On the grass there’s a pen.
There’s a note pinned down beside it…
Oh no, not again!
One thought on “Humorous Poems”
Keep this going please, great job!